I’ve seen one little 7-day cruise ruin an entire career.  I hire and train new cruise travel agents, and one of the benefits of working for me is a free cruise every year.  Nice, right.  It should have been such a win/win:   If my agents have been on many cruises, it should be easier for them to sell cruises. 

I should have known better than to send my new agent on her first cruise in November, in the Eastern Med, on an Italian cruise line, with her granola-earthy boyfriend.

But the price was so good and that’s the itinerary she wanted.  I knew the weather would be terrible.  I knew the food didn’t fit her tastes and at.  I knew the Italians would come off snooty and short.  I knew this gaudy cougar of a cruise ship was the opposite of her aesthetic, it would gross her out.  But I let her go, and paid for the whole thing, with paid time off.

What did I get in return?  My most promising employee quit immediately upon her return, deciding she couldn’t sell something she despised.

Not all cruises are like that, I argued in vain. There are small ships, with sails and masts you can climb.  Many cruises are about immersion with nature, taking you to places with no man-made things (Alaska, Scandinavia, New Zealand, Antartica).

You can’t let that one experience RUIN you for all cruise vacations and Europe and Italians, AND YOUR CAREER, I begged.  But that’s exactly what happened.  She was ruined.

A had an elegant friend who was talked into going cruise with less moneyed friends.  I discouraged her intently: I knew this was a cheap booze cruise on a very old and haggard cruise ship.  It’s a miracle the friendship survived.

She would have met new best friends if she’d been on a cruise I choose for her: one of the elegant lines, with other passengers her age, with her interest and income level.

Some people are so bored on TransAtlantics, they’ve spent too much time in bed and an unwanted pregnancy was the result.   Others love the mental space and need that to relax and dive into their reading list.

How much time and money do you have for a vacation, for travel, for fun?  Most people only have a few weeks a year, at most. 

 So it’s PRECIOUS.  It’s not really carefree.  What you do, matters.  You have such high expectations for your big annual vacation when you get to go and do something new, with people you love. 

That week of vacation is so meaningful, it’s CRITICAL that we not waste it.  Making sure that vacation COUNTS, can easily become stressful. 

A cruise is known to be an easy, unstressed vacation, right – especially for parents and seniors.  IN 2024, over 34 million people took a cruise. So, everyone is doing it.  Why can’t you?

What’s so complicated about a cruise? Here’s for starters:

There are 78 cruise companies in the world; 25 of those cater primarily to Americans.

Maybe you’ve heard of Royal Caribbean, Carnival, Norwegian, Princess, Holland, Disney, Celebrity and Cunard. 

What are the differences between those lines, in ways that will matter to you?

Let’s say you choose Royal Caribbean.  Now, you need to decide which of their 28 ships is right for you. 

Which is old, which is new, which has more things for kids to do?!

Where do cruises go: Caribbean, Alaska, Europe, Mexico, Panama, Asia, Africa – every continent in the world, even Antarctica! 

Let’s go basic – Caribbean.  Now you need to decide which ports of call you prefer: what’s the difference between Cozumel, Grand Turk, St. Thomas, Barbados, Aruba and St. Lucia and the dozens of others?  Do they all have nice beaches and kids clubs?

WHEN should you go?  Does it matter if it’s June, or October, or February?  When IS hurricane season exactly?

Should you try to drive to the port closest to you, or is it worth it to fly to Florida or San Juan? 

FINALLY, after days and weeks of research, you pick a specific cruise ship and departure date. 

You’ve read hundreds of reviews about this cruise and its itinerary: many reviews are great, but there are bad ones too, so you’re not sure what to think. 

It seems that all cruises have good and bad reviews, so those aren’t giving you clarity. 

You’re so sick of considering options, so you pick one and start to book it. 

Where should you book it?  On the cruise lines’ website?  Or Travelocity?  Or some site you found online that promises to send you a $200 rebate and get you free travel insurance?

The cruise line’s website says they are offering 75% off the second guest, but you can’t see how to get that applied. 

You’ve heard that you can get a drink package included, but no one else in your family drinks.  Do you still have to pay the drink package upcharge for everyone in your cabin?

LET ME TELL YOU A SECRET about choosing and booking a cruise.

It’s so freaking complicated; there are so many details – even after 25 years of full-time work booking nothing but cruises, there’s still an endless stream of data to learn, so I’m often unclear too! 

The cruise lines are constantly coming out with new ships and finding new ports of call.  But that’s the easy part. 

The REALLY MADDENING and TORTUOUS part of booking a cruise, is figuring out which of the cruise lines’ fare codes, or promotions, or ridiculous marketing ploys is applicable to a cruise, and can get the best price!

HERE’s the TRUTH about CRUISE PRICING: 

It’s intentionally more complicated than rocket science. 

It’s more sinister than a hooded figure waiting for you in a dark alley.

It’s the most preposterous fairytale that’s ever been told. 

The purpose of cruise ‘farecodes and promotions’ is to create a fantastical illusion that is this:

But not for this day’s special pricing, your cruise would cost way way more.  

See here: $500 in instant savings and 50% off the 2nd guest brings your cabin total down from $8500 to just $4000! 

So, the price you see today represents a HUGE SAVINGS to you!  

It’s all a hoax. And all experienced cruise travel agents know it.  But we have to go along with it, or you’ll think we’re not giving you the 50% of price!

So, my job has two parts:  finding the right cruise, and then getting the right price. 

Did you think your cruise deposit was refundable?  Oh gosh no. There’s only one cruise line that still offers refundable deposits but they make you pay in full 120 days out. 

Wait, you think I HAVE YOUR MONEY and i won’t give it back to you!?  No no honey.  The cruise lines got it, and they figured out a way to keep it, even if you don’t go on the cruise.

Ok, let’s get to it: How can I tell which cruise is right for you?

I ask you questions. I listen. I throw out a few suggestions to find your parameters.  I ask if you have a budget.  Have you cruised before?  How was it?  Cruising with kids? What are they like?

Then I’m going to go away and create lists of cruises in your budget and time frame and destination.

Then, I’m going to scan those lists with the wide-ariel and sharp eagle eyes of a long-time cruise pro who knows the layout and features of 300 different ships, a hundred ports of call, every term and condition of dozens of farecodes and promotions, and consider how those jive with my caller’s needs and wants for this cruise.

Sometimes everything about an option is inferior, but it’s the one that has a drink package included, and my client’s joy depends on that.

You may think you want the least-expensive inside cabin: but I’m going to look at balconies anyway, just in case the price is just a little bit more.  I’ll talk you into taking the balcony sometimes, or the suite, if I can see that it’s going to be a huge upgrade, that normally costs much more.

I’ll talk to you about drink packages and shore excursions.  I’ll give you the insider scoop on the pros and cons, to help you make the best decision for you.

You’ll FEEL BETTER once we’re done.  You’ll feel confident that you did the best you could.

You won’t be worried that you’re missing any detail.  I told you that my emails will contain everything you need to know and do going forward.

I’ll remind you to locate your passport, or birth certificates for your kids.  Tell you to get to the pier on time.  And remind you when your final payment is due.

I’ll tell you about insurance and then send information about it in writing for you to consider.

If you get to the cruise pier and suddenly have a problem, you can call me – we always monitor and return emergency calls.

If something is bothering you onboard, you can call me from the ship with your cell phone.

______ While most recommendations are very specific to the person, if you ask me WHAT I THINK….oh lordy, I am full of very-informed opinions!

Right now, the cruise lines that will wow adults the most are:  Virgin and Celebrity.

An adults-only cruise is a different animal and VIrgin has captured the sexy, fun, foodie vibe – and kept it very affordable.

Including gratuities and wifi is stunningly generous and notable.

However, drag shows, scarlet parties, and champagne with disco dancing on plastic furniture in primary colors can feel very abrasive to more subtle palettes.

For adults that prefer luxury and sophistication, there are no better ships than Celebrities’ newest Edge class.

Celebrity ships feature sleek, contemporary designs with clean lines and a focus on understated luxury. The use of high-quality materials, neutral color palettes, and elegant furnishings creates a sophisticated atmosphere throughout the ships.   Rooftop Gardens are on the top decks, using greenery and nature to define spaces for relaxation and dining.

Celebrities’ older ships will be very affordable and still have the Celebrity aesthetic and casual elegance.

But no cruise line has more complicated pricing than Celebrity.  It takes a professional to decipher the 30 different rate codes available on each sailing.

A river cruise can be the experience of a lifetime!

But did you know, if you book in the fall the rivers often run too low to float the ships, and you’ll have to be bused from town to town?!

There’s a REASON I’m guiding you to go on your river cruise in May, when the baby lambs are eating the new spring grasses, the rivers are still plump from melting snow on the Alps and the throngs of tourists are not yet choking every picturesque village in Europe.

Trust me!  I know just the cruise for you.